Busy Day!

So I had an extremely busy day on Monday! I went to the medicaid office, childcare resources, the health clinic and the food stamp office. I felt like I needed to take a bath in Lysol by the time I got home! I am not trying to talk bad about any of this but you have to realize all of this is completely inner city and has all walks of life at them! I have never felt so out of place in my whole entire life! I am however completely grateful that these programs exist and can help me and the boys! I just wish the people that work at these places were a little nicer! I know they have to deal with all kinds of crap but couldn't they just put on a smile and pretend they like their job? I am just in limbo now waiting to see if we get approved for anything I have applied for! I'll keep you posted!

Lovely!

Guess, who decided not to come? Your right! He emailed and said that since I need to chaperone his visit with the boys it is impossible for him to come. He also said he wouldn't be giving the boys their things. He told me it is no one's fault but my own that they will not be receiving the things he bought them. I told him if he didn't want to send it then so be it! I also told him in the email that I am done communicating with him if its going to be like this every time!

I just can't handle the constant anger and blame against me for everything! I just don't see where he gets off thinking this is all MY fault! I really think his mom and girlfriend have just totally brainwashed him into believing that. At this point I wish it would have been my fault then it would probably be a thousand times easier to handle and deal with!

Lately

Things have been ok lately! We haven't seen POS since June 28th but he said he is coming on Tuesday. I have told him that until our divorce is finalized he cannot see the boys by himself. I don't feel I am being unreasonable because he is lying to me about everything and he seems to be so angry every time I speak to him on the phone. He still has no job and I am not even sure he is applying for jobs. He thinks by putting his resume out there someone will come along and snatch him up! If only that would happen and soon. Sitting here writing this I can't even think of what to write. I am trying to block so much out lately that when I want to think about it and jot it down, it won't come to me. Although, 3am seems to be when I can do nothing but think about everything.

The boys are doing well. They are loving being with my family so much and it has helped them tremendously.

I did have to stop my therapy though since we are without insurance. That has hurt! It was really helping to put everything into perspective.

I get to go to the medicaid office tomorrow and turn in some paperwork! Yahoo! I never ever thought I would ever have to do this but I am so thankful it is there and I can get help when I need it the most!

Happy Day!

Not! Today is my 7th Wedding Anniversary! Hip Hip Hooray ! :) Ok, gag me with a spoon! I have been dreading this day for weeks! I just don't know what to do or think or say today. My day started off wonderful at midnight last night when I was talking to POS because he decided at 11pm to let me know he would be coming to get the boys today. Then of course he had to be mean and rude and get me all kinds of upset so I was crying. Then this morning I texted him to let him know he could not come see the boys because I just didn't want to face him today plus the boys are doing great and I don't want them upset again. Well, at first he was ok then about 20 minutes later he called yelling and screaming at me calling me a Bitch and then hanging up on me. I am sure he called his mommy and she got him all mad at me and that is when he called me. He cannot think by himself I have always had to do it and now his mom and his girlfriend are doing the thinking for him! Anyway, I am doing better than I thought. No crying and I didn't even get upset by the name calling. I am just coming to the realization that I am over him and need to move on. I am mourning the relationship and stability but not him. I cannot wait till I am legally free of him and can start all over! Hopefully that will be soon! Thanks for reading!

good thoughts

Please send good thoughts my way as I am heading to the apt. tomorrow to start packing up my life! I will be there for about 4-5 days depending on how long it takes to pack it up! POS will be there during the day but is staying somewhere else at night. He is being totally uncooperative so I am sure I will be stressed to the max once I return from there. At least the boys and I will get to see our friends we are missing so much. Pray for us on our return trip it will be me the boys and a uhaul!

!!!!!

So, I found out yesterday that our Insurance ended the day POS was termintated! So, isn't that just wonderful! I asked him what he planned on doing and he said "I don't know, what do you want me to do?" I said I don't care if you have to get a job at McDonald's- we need insurance! He said "I am NOT doing that!" So, now I am not sure what we are going to do. I am trying to find a job with benefits but that takes time and there will be a waiting period! I don't even want to know what is going to happen next!!!

Will the s*** ever end?

Guess who was FIRED on Friday? You guessed correctly- POS! Isn't that just great! He gave me some sob story about why he was fired but it's totally not true! He was fired for having a relationship with a co-worker. How could he be so stupid? Now we have insurance for only 30 days, he has lost his upcoming bonus and lost his stock options because he would not be vested until October. So he lost about $40,000! Now, I definitely won't be getting anything from him for a while! I just do not understand what the hell has happened to him. How can you change that much in such a short period of time. I honestly think he needs HELP! I am not letting him see the boys without me for a while until I feel he is stable again. If things don't change I am also going to seek Full Custody. I just can't risk anything happening to my boys! Keep us in your prayers, we definitely need them!

more S***!

Well, my great and wonderful husband is out of town supposedly for training for work. I am assuming he left home Monday but don't know. He won't tell me anything. What kind of crap is that? First of all we are still legally married, not separated or anything. Secondly, I am glad he is worried that we might need to get in touch with him. Ethan was sick Friday till Tuesday and he never once asked how he was feeling or called to check on him. I don't know when he is going back home or anything, the boys even ask when he is coming to see them and he says he's not sure yet. I am about to tell him to go u know what to himself! I could deal with this situation much better if he would be a mature adult about the whole thing but he is not. I can't stand secrets and lies and really don't have time for it! Now, we are just going about our life as if he doesn't exist! What else can we do?

No call

So POS did not call his children from 5:15 on Friday until 3:15 today! How can you go that long without speaking to your children or even call and check on them. He could text or email but no that would take too much time! I am just at a loss for words. Why does he continue to do this to his kids? I guess its like the Owl says on the Tootsie Roll Pop Commercials "The World May Never Know!"

AAAAHHHHH!!!!

So, I just have to vent! POS, is only giving me $200 this week- to support us for 2 weeks. I normally have been getting $500. Anyway, I signed Jonas up for preschool and that money and then some is already gone. I asked why it was less for this time and he said because he couldn't be without money! Then I find out he is going out of town for the 4th. He is going to visit his mom in Louisiana. He also rented a car to go visit her- must be nice to 1) get to go on a vacation 2)have enough money to go out of town 3) Have enough money to rent a car and 4) not be worried that he won't see his kids this week! I am glad that he is living up his bachelor life with no worries and lots of money to blow! Makes me feel great! Here is a quote I found online and just thought it was appropriate:

"I'm not a bitch, I just have a low bullshit tolerance!"

My Thoughts!

This blog is going to be my outlet for getting rid of all my thoughts, emotions and feelings! I will apologize up front if it seems harsh or rude. I thought this would be cheaper than therapy so feel free to leave comments of the positive or negative kind! Hopefully none of you will have to go through any of this!

MIL

From the very beginning I knew in the back of my head that my m-i-l would be a problem. She never liked me and made it clear from the beginning. I tried to be nice to her and went above and beyond to try and win her over. There was just no pleasing her, anyway I tried. She would come to visit us and never speak to me. She would take POS into other rooms to talk to him so I couldn't hear and if I went in that room she would take him to another room! If she called my house she would never say Hey E how are you? It was always, can I speak to POS when I answered. The thing that drove me nuts was how there was never any notice of them coming to see us. Most people call and say hey we want to come visit what about such and such date? No, they would call and say we are on our way we will be there in so many hours and are staying for so many days. Whatever we had planned would have to be canceled and I would have to go on a cleaning rampage until they got there.

Then my babies were born and from the beginning she has not been any kind of grandmother to them. When E was born she came to stay with us and be there when he was born. Which was fine until we got home and she decided to be his mom. I had a c-section and couldn't jump up and do things. She decided she would do everything for E- give him his first bath, change the first diaper, give the first bottle, etc. etc. Then when I mentioned that it should be the time I bonded with my son she got pissed and left. Then J was born and she missed his birth because he came early. By the time she got there she ended up having to leave because Katrina was on its way! Since then we have seen her once! My children do not know who she is because she never calls them or sends them cards or anything. She claims its because I won't let her. That is not true because I have always said she could be apart of their lives however I don't feel it is my responsibility to seek her out and call her and make sure they know who she is. This past Christmas she sent us a Hickory Farms gift for all 4 of us. It was good but my babies don't understand that that was their present. Ethan did get a PSP from her 2 Christmas's' ago so I guess that is supposed to last forever.

When POS and I started having problems he said one reason was because I had out casted him from his family. So, even though it was totally against everything I believed, I called her and apologized for everything. Even though none of it was my fault. She talked to me a couple of times on the phone- sounded very genuine and everything. But guess what, we have been gone from POS for a month now and NOT ONE SINGLE CALL to check on us or anything! So you tell me who the Bitch is?

If there ever is a next time, I will do my homework and definitely check out the in-laws before anything is started!

Background Info

So most of you don't know what kind of childhood me and my soon to be ex came from. So, I thought I would enlighten you. I came from a Catholic Family where my parents are still married to this day, I think 34 years now. My parents have always provided for us and done whatever was best for us! They brought us up with good morals and my sister and I have never done things most others have! Our family is very loving and would totally give up everything they have for us. Now imagine the complete opposite! POS is from a divorced family. His family is very dysfunctional and beyond anything I can comprehend. Of course I didn't know any of this when we met. It took years to learn about everything. I will start from his beginning!

His mom had him when she was only 15 years old! She married his dad. This was in the 70's. I think they were both into drugs. Anyway, they then had his sister 3-4 years later. His mom did not get along with her family and they wanted his dad to have him and not his mom. So, somehow his dad kidnapped him from his mom and had him for a little while before she found him. Then after that she ended up taking the kids and leaving town not telling anyone where they were going. They ended up being gone for over 10 years! While they were away, his mom met her next husband. She went into the army and while she was at boot camp, the new stepdad went crazy and treated them horrible. The mom came back and he still was crazy and they lived in a tent for awhile and eventually he ended up trying to kill POS' mom, right in front of him! They ended up running way in the middle of the night. A little while later she met her next husband and got pregnant- then they got married. He turned out to be ok and took care of them but he is one of those people who looks out for himself only. If you can't do anything for him then he doesn't want anything to do with you.

There were several instances when we were dating that has made me hate his mom and stepdad! First of all, POS, was not a good driver. He had several wrecks and the insurance told his parents you either drop him off or we cancel you. So, he was left with no car insurance. So they decided since he had no insurance they would take his truck away. Which he paid for! Then once when he was having body work done from a wreck they went and picked the truck up and wouldn't give it back. All of his life his family shit on him. He had a job since he was 14 and then moved out at 17 to live with a friend because his family felt he was a burden. Then finally the truck was totalled! His parents said they had a car for him and they would bring it to him. It turned out to be guess what- a pos. Then they took his truck back home with them and sold the parts for $3000.00. They never even gave him any money or anything for it. I could go on and on but I will save some for later!

New Name

So, I really don't want to use my soon to be ex's name so from now on he will be referred to as POS! I am not saying what that stands for- just use your imagination! :)

Want to post but...

J has been sick the past 4 days! I am going to post some background info on my soon to be ex- so you all will see how hard this is for me to handle and comprehend!

How do you ......

teach your children that what their father is doing is not what a respectable man should do? My boys are only 5 and almost 3 but I want to start teaching them now that they should not treat anyone the way we have been treated. I am trying to explain to them on their level how you should treat others especially those you love. Right now I am making a big deal about manners and doing nice things for others and making sure they think about how it will affect the other person before they do or say it. I might be getting in over my head but I want to instill in them from now on, you don't do to anyone what has been done to us. My boys have always been very loving and kind but I want to make sure that is taken 10 times further through the rest of their life!

Father's Day!

So, let me tell you what a great Father's Day the boys had! Can't you just hear the sarcasm in my voice! Well, I had a meeting at church at 9:30 so on my way to that I decided to be a nice person and call POS and tell him Happy Fathers Day! He was in the car and said he was on his way to the store because he had nothing to eat. So, after my meeting the boys and my sister met me at church. Once we got home we began calling their daddy. Of course no answer. We called continually until around 6pm and I said we are not calling anymore. What dad doesn't answer their phone to speak to their kids on Father's Day? Evidently my kids dad! Well about 7pm he called back, I could barely hear him and he asked to speak to the boys. I said where are you, I can barely hear you. He said he was at Six Flags! WTF!!! First of all who goes to six flags on fathers day without their kids and secondly you can't take 5 minutes to call your children after they have left 10 messages! I told him he couldn't talk to the boys because they would hear the kids screaming in the background. Can you imagine what they would think if they knew where he was! I told him to call back when he got in the car. He called back around 9 pm and was mad because the boys were already asleep! I am sorry, that the boys wanted to talk to him all day and he couldn't make time out of his busy day at Six Flags to talk to them. Definitely the kind of father we all want for our kids. How does someone just change overnight like this. It is beyond my comprehension. I am stressing out just trying to figure all of this out. In the end I will be ok but I feel like the boys will never be ok!